SECRET CHILDREN

In a troubling trend emerging in some marriages, women are alleged to be concealing the true paternity of their children, leading to emotional turmoil and complex family dynamics.These women, often carrying the weight of secrecy, choose not to reveal the truth about the fathers of their children, potentially disrupting the trust and stability within their marriages.This growing issue raises questions about the impact on both the children involved and the relationships they are part of, with many wondering how such deception affects the future of these families.Lesego Bile, a Counsellor who has been practising since 2013 told The Midweek Sun in an interview that the main reason behind the secrecy is not being sure who the real father is and the risk of being exposed for being unfaithful towards their spouses, as well as being afraid to lose their marriage.According to Bile, even though she does not have statistics, some men are now demanding paternity because of the new revelations often on social media, revealing deep family dynamics, hence they now want to be sure.She said often when people are married a man does not usually question a woman because of the union even though they might suspect it by seeing that their child does not resemble them.Bile noted that at this point, she does not think the society is ready to deal with such issues or truths regarding this matter.She said she had assisted one man who was married for 10 years and he relocated to United States of America because of work and when he requested the ex-wife to visit him with their child, the wife then revealed that they could not visit him as the child was not his - eventually the marriage ended.She said such situations affect the relationship between the husband and wife, particularly in terms of trust and communication as it totally breaks the trust and they cannot have a happy marriage or relationship without trust.“It would be like constructing a house without the fundamental foundation. Once a person learns they have been misguided or lied to, each individual handles it differently.“Some may go the silent treatment way, others may become angry and retaliate by being aggressive, then triggering the man to act out of anger and this is when the GBV aspect comes in.“I do not think some men have the emotional intelligence to do deal with such, hence GBV is growing. We need to put out more information about where men can get help and the type of places they can seek help without judgment,” Bile said.She said the emotional or psychological toll in this situation places the children that may grow up unaware of the truth about their parentage in a difficult position. The eventual discovery, she said, usually makes the child feel discounted and betrayed.Bile shared that cultural expectations and societal pressures play a role in the decision of women to hide the true paternity of their children, adding that being unfaithful in general is a taboo in Setswana culture. She said the embarrassment to both families, if the secret ever comes out, would be unbearable.The situation contributes to tensions and misunderstandings within and between families, especially when the truth eventually comes out.Bile said there can be a long-term impact on the marriage, and it might lead to feelings of betrayal, conflict or even gender based violence, noting that any person that is lied to feels betrayed and not valued.She added that some people or couples may never forgive or recover, adding that it is all about the kind of marriage one has and how far they are willing to fix their broken marriage. “Some men inBotswana need to undergo teachings and engage in programmes that help them with emotional intelligence and how to deal with their emotions instead of taking the easy way out of committing GBV. It seems they are afraid of dealing with their emotions.“Men come from different backgrounds. Some were abused as children, and others were raised in abusive households. Alcohol and drug addiction also plays a huge role," Bile said, adding that lying about paternity can make a man behave out of character.

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SECRET CHILDREN