Engagement: A partner on 'lay-bye' or a necessary step before marriage?

Lately it has become common for couples to be engaged prior to a marriage. Several years ago, it was largely unheard of but nowadays the trend has gained traction.

Some engagements lead to the altar, but others fizzle out before the couple has even said ‘I do.’ An engagement, also known as a betrothal, is described as a promise to wed; a period between the proposal and actual marriage. In most communities, it is often a year, but some people get engaged for one or two months, or for a few years.

There have been cases where people have been engaged for more than four years, leaving friends and families wondering if they will ever tie the knot. Batswana are clued up on the trend and while some do not appreciate it, others agree that it is a necessary evil in gaining clarity on whether one really wants to marry that particular person, and to prepare for the marriage and wedding, financially and psychologically.

Remofilwe Brander (27) is a young lady of Tswana origin, engaged to a Zimbabwean gentleman. Her engagement was something to write home about. Her man pulled out all the stops, bringing together their respective friends and family at a classy restaurant. Brander was lured to the restaurant under the impression that she was meeting her man for dinner only to find about 20 people who witnessed her fiancé going down on one knee and asking for her hand in marriage.

Brander says that an engagement is important to her. “My partner and I been together for a while, and while I wasn’t going to pressure him to marry me, I asked him to make his intentions clear to me when the time comes. We plan to be engaged for about a year and a half, but he says that he wants to pay magadi before the year ends. We will take part in any traditional practices that our families think are necessary, like patlo,magadi and the works.”
Thabiso Mashaba (30) is a Motswana man who got married to a white woman last year.

He says that he did not deem an engagement necessary. “We just had two to three months of discussions and then moved straight to the paper work. We went on to sign at the district commissioner. This was followed by a small lunch for friends and family. But I would say the essence of an engagement is to pronounce to families on both ends about the intentions of the couple. It then opens up room for further discussions by both sides if magadi or any support will be required on their end. So engagement ka setswana ke kare e tshwana le patlo.”

Goratagone Mbulawa (28) recently celebrated her one year wedding anniversary. She however never got engaged prior to getting married to her husband. “I had been dating my partner for five years before he went to my parents and asked for my hand in marriage. He scored points by doing that. Most things were done by our parents.”

Faith Mosha (26) recently got engaged too. For her, being engaged is important. “My fiancé Ben and I have been engaged informally (with only our parents’ knowledge) for about a year now.

I think an engagement is important because it gives you time to get to know each other better and learn things about each other that you did not know. Getting engaged is like the big step before the final major step, it’s a commitment and it changes one’s mentality one way or the other,” she explains. Mosha however acknowledges that this custom differs with traditions, culture and individual preference.

Tshepi Matloga is in a serious relationship and she and her partner are considering marriage but she does not fancy the idea of being engaged. “I think that engagement is a waste of time because I am into African traditions. A union of two people is nothing if not acknowledged by family members so in our African culture an engagement ring means nothing if the families haven’t met to discuss bogadi.

I would rather have my boyfriend send a letter to my parents asking for my hand in marriage instead of him going down on one knee in some fancy restaurant; that does not appeal to me. I prefer things to be done in a traditional way.”