On cohabitation and “marking territory”

Vat-en-sit, as cohabitation is sometimes referred to, is a common but controversial living arrangement among couples. But it is a necessary evil. Some people enter relationships with delusions, fantasies and false perceptions, so they need a dash of reality. It helps to figure out if you and your partner share similar values and goals, and whether you are emotionally, financially and sexually compatible. Spending time together actively in the same space also helps you understand your partner, their lifestyle, habits, moods and small things like what makes them happy or sad, their favourite food, TV program, to their morning breath and fart smells. Relationships are wonderful and magical the first few weeks and months during the “honeymoon phase.” After that… go a ngakallwa. And when a couple decides to shack up, they realise that it is a huge transition from visiting each other when you are dating. Akere when you are still dating you act, pretend and keep up appearances. The house is kept spanking clean for when bae visits and starch water and frozen dinners take a back seat, go rekiwa mopako, di yoghurt-nyana le di vienna-nyana. Fa gongwe e bile o a apeelwa. As the lady you buy expensive lingerie and the man is at your beck and call. And you are even given free reign over the TV remote. But things change when you move in together. You begin to fight for the remote because someone wants to watch UEFA or EPL while the other wants Isibaya or The Queen. The reality of bills, chores and errands also kicks in. And you deal with each other’s habits, some which drive you crazy, like how your partner never wants to throw out the trash, leaves the toilet seat up or doesn’t close the tap tightly, or that they finish the cool drink and return the bottle into the fridge ka thothinyana. Khi! People co-habit for different reasons. For companionship, as a prelude to marriage, convenience or to cut living expenses. Co-habitation has become common and it is evident that laws should be in place. Some institutions even recognise co-habitation although there is still no general consensus and views on the arrangement r. Essentially, co-habiting couples are no different from married couples. The only difference is that there is no marriage certificate, no rings, cows were not exchanged and there was no wedding. Yet, in the same breathe, the reality is that relationships/partnerships that are not official are difficult to manage because there is no accountability and commitment. Each party can do as they please even bow out abruptly without any consultation. That is why most of the time passion killings involve co-habiting couples. They don’t have structures to seek help or intervention in their relationships so the aggrieved party ends up “taking matters into their own hands” which is often an undesirable course of action. Anyways, at the end of the day the kind of relationships and living arrangements we wind up depend on choice (hopefully). After all there is only so much smashing and “freedom” one can take. And any home needs order and structure because it is a sacred space. It often takes a discplined or strict person to keep the homefront in order because some “third parties,” that is: friends, family, relatives and other randoms, bo Nchadinyana le bo Kulenyana, tend to meddle and spoil things. This is one reason every couple must have that one party who is strict and has a stronger “backbone,” to avoid nonsense. It is Ok for one to mark their territory, so that everyone knows that ‘No, no, no, no...ga go tshamekelwe fa, go tshamekelwa kwaaa!”