Batswana are talkative, yet silent in bed

BY K.A. BAREKI In last week’s installment, I wrote about how to move from sexual mediocrity to excellence by creating the right environment for sex. I intimated that one needs music, clothes, bedding, lube and specific foods known as aphrodisiacs to create a good humping experience. Isn’t it shocking that even in the midst of such pleasantries, our women and men don’t testify of good sex? Our women still lament the lack of sexual satisfaction even when they have sex with men that have got “6-packs” promising stamina and envied salaries. Our men leave their beautiful women with pretty faces, curvaceous bodies and run with perpetual strangers that know nothing about having good relationship curriculum vitae and are not “lover material” in search of good sex. This situation leaves us fumbling and wondering what today’s men want. So serious is this sexual jigsaw puzzle that a fair share of our women’s populace has concluded that Batswana men are naturally “bitchy”and unloving. And this is exactly what some men say about our women. More Batswana women want to be married by Caucasian men with some selecting Zambian, Zimbabwean, South African and even Nigerian men as dream lovers - and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing exotic taste. Over the years, I have observed this issue in protracted silence until I noticed something very interesting about the way Batswana men have sex and why our women post ads that beg for a foreigner’s proposal. Batswana are generally outspoken people. They are peace makers who believe that ntwakgolo ke ya molomo. Because Batswana are so consensual, they are often admired and looked upon as a non-violent nation, a peaceful people who cannot hurt a fly. How is it that this peaceful reputation is not found in the bedrooms of most Batswana couples who often resort to divorce, cheating or sulking? Good question! The answer is silence.What? You heard me, the answer is silence. Batswana are a talkative people and yet silent in bed. Batswana men have a problem keeping quiet in libraries and yet insist on silence during sex. Batswana don’t talk about how they prefer sex and don’t give any feedback concerning sex. Our women in particular avoid praising their men for excellent bonking when it happens. Our men take offence if a woman comments negatively on their sexual performance or makes any improvement suggestion as if to suggest that sex to them is an intuitive thing that comes without communication. Life thrives on communication, and Batswana’s sexual lives will continue to be disastrous and lifeless until their mouths open. And after years of silent sex, our men conclude that their women are boring and search for alternatives. “If you don't talk about sex, it's going to be difficult to make any improvement. And, you should be communicating about what you like just as much about what isn't working, or what you are worried may not be working. If the sex is great, it shouldn't be a touchy conversation area…” writes blogger Lea Rose Emery in her work “Seven Signs You’re Bad In Bed” If the average Motswana is naturally a peace-loving and consensual person, then it means Batswana cease to be Batswana every time they engage in sex. If Batswana are a democratic nation with an international reputation of being so, how can a Motswana have “undemocratic” dictatorial sex? How is it that Batswana have the tendency to have sex that is not mutually inclusive? I reiterate that Batswana are not Batswana when it comes to sex. If Batswana when in their bedrooms behaved like they do during the day, Botswana would be a nation of sexual satisfaction. Batswana would have so much knowledge on sex that comes from their natural inclination to be consensual and assertive. As our men obsess themselves with penile increment adverts that flood the market and think they need powerful sexologists to give them sex hunger busting clues, I am worried that they don’t notice that an easy and affordable solution lies hidden within. Batswana have no sex schools where they can learn sex. But they have a culture of openly conversing with each other. If only they continued talking into their bedrooms, our nation would become known for brilliant sex. Our families would be stable and divorce rates humiliated. Batswana lovers especially women would express how they prefer to be kissed, sexed and what sex positions drive them crazy. They would give feedback which by the way is necessary for improvement instead of leaving their men guessing. Not all Batswana don’t communicate during sex. There are men and women in our country who sex in a way that is of “international standard” but it’s rare to encounter them. In Botswana there are men who divorced women for openly voicing out their opinions on how to sex. Some men literally rebuke their women, accuse them of infidelity and call them whores for opening up. These women who are bitter and sex-thirsty resort to “Ben-10s.” What they enjoy in these young men is fresh sexual energy which is devoid of communication. As these young boys age, their erection deteriorates and they become exactly like the men our older women ran away from. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be humbled by opening up. In any case to solve a problem, you at least have to know its cause. What is the reason why Batswana would rather be silent during sex when they have a reputation of being vocal even to the avoidance of war? The answer to this question is something I discovered in South Africa last year while attending a couples’ retreat. Although the venue was South African, the attendants were entirely Batswana who sought to learn about enhancing their sex lives in a foreign land. In that setting, after speaking extensively on sexual satisfaction and admonishing couples to talk before, during and after sex, one Motswana raised up his hand to express comic contention over this idea. “I was taught not to eat while talking. O ja ka ofe o bua ka ofe?” he asked. We laughed almost to tears. And I added my opinion to guide the matter. Later on as I reminisced on that question and its significance in understanding our people, it dawned on me that Batswana liken sex to eating and apply the British dinner etiquette to their sex lives. Whether we admit it or not, Batswana are British in so many aspects. The lunch we esteem made up of rice, coleslaw salad, beetroots and meat is a British meal. Our dream breakfast and tea drinking habits are all a British mentality. And as a typical former colony, we follow the footsteps of our mentors. According to British dinner etiquette, one should refrain from talking while eating. Batswana men, view sex as “go ja motho,” hence such silence when they have sex. One other British dinner etiquette rule is that if you happen not to enjoy a meal, it is very rude to tell the cook or chef that the meal sucks. This explains why Batswana shun sex session feedback!   K.A. Bareki is the author of Sex & Intimacy 101 and can be contacted at [email protected]