I Am A Trans-Sexual Man and yearning for complete transformation
According to the Moral Education subject, there are four rites of passage namely; birth, puberty, marriage and death. We, as individuals, are mostly excited about puberty and marriage as compared to the other two. With puberty, becoming a young woman or man is the highlight of the passage. And as for me, puberty was the beginning of a rather difficult phase in my life as there was a mismatch between my gender identity and sex identity. I felt greatly trapped in the wrong body. My mental health became compromised that early and I felt like my family’s black sheep and a community burden.
With ignorance not being so blissful after all; I didn’t understand how best to explain what I felt and how I wanted to express myself. I mean after all how could I explain what I didn’t understand to people including my family and worst of all my peers? And that didn’t help me because I was constantly bullied for my appearance day in and day out at school while at home people feared my brothers so they would risk bullying me knowing they were a scream away. Writing lyrical content became my safe space and coping mechanism. With the bullying, stigma, discrimination and self-hate, I was declared clinically depressed.
In 2019, I took the step to transition mentally through psychotherapy. And I abandoned the local church I grew up attending. This was due to the fact that they kept forcing me to the norm of having to either wear a dress or skirt - one of the reasons I was depressed. Through the counseling sessions I was able to confront old wounds, childhood traumas and body gender dysphoria. These were brought on by issues such as discrimination, stigma and being misgendered. Having gained understanding, acceptance and healing, I regained my confidence and learnt to love myself as a person. When you understand something you’re then able to advocate for it and even raise awareness of it, and that was the strength and power I gained from my sessions. I finally got the guts to come out to my brothers and mother.
Coming out is something I dreaded with all of me because it could really go both ways. You stand to either lose it all or gain it all; one has to be bold enough to take the gamble. I started off by testing the waters by telling my family my preferred pronouns which were he, him and his. And then later boldly came out to my brothers first and then my mother. Surprisingly, with open arms and love my news was received well by my family. And through their support I knew I would and could face off anything and anyone who came at me.
Post covid, I took the second step of my transition and visited an Endocrinologist to start with the hormonal therapy. Now the obstacle was that during that time there was a national shortage of hormones in Botswana so I experienced a challenge in seeing my dream become a reality. It took a slight toll on my mental health as I wondered if at all it was a sign for me to not go ahead with the process. In mid 2021, after saving, I finally got to administer my first shot of testosterone. I don’t think to date I have experienced any amount of joy as I did in that moment. I could literally feel the medicine flowing through every inch of my body. And within 2 weeks I felt certain changes in my body; most importantly I could pass in public,without people misgendering me.
This blissful transition was short lived in late 2022 as that was the last time I took a testosterone shot due to the hormonal therapy being unaffordable. I am experiencing lots of body gender dysphoria and as a result I feel more depressed at times. It has also altered my behavior as I act erratically at times by being aggressive, and my self esteem has increasingly dropped as days go by. Each day I feel the fear of losing my dream become a creeping reality.
Recently I have faced issues of transphobia and physical assault in my neighborhood. These incidents occurred in February 2024. Ever since these occurrences I've been more and more depressed. And with every day, I still hope and believe that I will be the man that I identify as!