Children's anger on absent fathers caused by mothers
- Tears of baby mamas are like poison
- Men like sex more, not building families - Counsellor
A hurting baby mama is the root cause of all the anger that children have towards their fathers.
This is why when there is any kind of celebration like Father’s Day, insults are hurled at men, they are told how useless they are and how they do not deserve the daddy title.
How can women and children not hurt when Daddy abandons the family; chooses not to care and dumps all responsibilities of parenthood on the mother?
The result is that children are raised by their mothers alone. They grow to watch how their mothers struggle to clothe them and put food on the table; how they get up at the crack of dawn to bathe and prepare meals for the family but are always the last to go to bed. Under such set-ups, mothers automatically turn into heroes before their children’s eyes and there is nothing anyone, including a father who decides to come back later, can do to convince children otherwise.
Unfortunately for men, in the eyes of the children, actions speak louder than words. Being absent from the lives of their children, regardless of what happened between them and the baby mamas, is not an excuse for abandoning them.
Counsellor Onneile Thamuku also blames men for all the pain.
“The Bible says men are the foundation of life, everything was built on him, sadly our men do not know what they are supposed to do or be. Ideally, they are supposed to be the head of the family but the head does not know what it is doing.
“They have become abusive when they are supposed to be protectors. What they know best is seeing sex in all women, men are driven by sex so much that they even leave their wives at home to sleep with other women. If men were not driven by sex, we would have a disciplined nation,” Thamuku said.
The hard-hitting counsellor shared that men have it all wrong and twisted, women are supposed to be their helpers, not sex mates.
The thinking by men that the most important thing a woman should bring to the table is her private parts is what sees men jumping from one woman to another because they can get sex almost anywhere.
Men neglect the most important aspect of family building and raising children.
Family building is one of the major reasons why women often stay in abusive marriages and relationships, they often say, ‘for the sake of my children.’ Why can’t men do the same? Why is it so easy for them to pack up and leave when things turn sour leaving children behind?
In Thamuku’s opinion, women do not need empowerment. In fact, it was wrong to start empowering women in the first place. Men are the ones that needed it more.
“We do not know what we are supposed to do, women are far better than us in understanding their roles as mothers. Now we are seeing women who are double strong while men remain empty.
“This is the reason why men resort to killing. Women empowerment drives men crazy because they deal with intelligent and emotionally strong women who go on to demand equality.
“Add a fat bank account or monthly salary and the man is finished!” he said.
With all the power that baby mamas hold, when the couple separates in the end, it then becomes easy for women to turn children against their fathers.
Out of frustration, children are made to see how useless their daddies are, and sadly, sadly, children grow up hating their fathers and the anger consumes them so much that nothing ever works out, not their relationships and not even their careers.
But the counsellor wants people to understand that no matter the ugly fights between parents, children should, where possible, try to find something to appreciate in their daddies.
Even if it means appreciating the sperm he donated leading to their birth. Thamuku said it boggles the mind how partners are able to sexually pleasure each other for months, even years, only to turn around and hate each other like poison as if they have not produced innocent children.
Botswana Counselling Association (BCA) president Tshepo Shoshong said the anger visible in children and baby mamas stems from unresolved personal issues.
Mothers become so angry at fathers that the anger then trickles down to children and because children are mostly left in the care of women, a child is made to believe that their father is the worst thing to happen to them.
“Mothers ask their children if they have grown horns when they ask about their daddies. They are emotionally blackmailed, asked why they want to look for people who abandoned them after they struggled alone raising them,” said Shoshong.
Shoshong said all the pain is rooted in family structures, men were raised by single mothers and they go on to abandon their own children because they saw their parents do it.
Women also struggle with children alone because they feel it is their duty as mothers to do so but deep down they are hurting because it is not easy raising a child alone.
“What I realise about Batswana is that instead of finding out why we have absent fathers, we become keyboard warriors, we post on social media about how men are useless at every opportunity.
“That will not help us with anything, we need solutions and not continuous venting and finger-pointing,” he said.