UNNECESSARY QUESTION: Who is the man in the Lesbian relationship?
Lesbian relationships are sexual and/or emotional relationships between women. Why then do Batswana like asking for the man in lesbian relationships? The idea that there must always be a man in the relationship is driven by the heteronormative society we live in. Heterosexuality is the norm, so it makes sense to look for the man in a lesbian relationship even though it’s a relationship between two or more women.
Additionally, relationships in Botswana are perceived along the lines of a binary so it does not come as a surprise when people look for two sexes or genders in every relationship, even same sex relationships. Moreover, there is the need to direct dominance to one party in the relationship and strip the other of the same needs for there to be a clear superior gender in the relationship. Botswana is a community ravaged by imbalances, be it economically, socially, politically or any other way. Batswana exist in a community where in every sphere, there is someone with more power and someone with less. Even in relationships, there are power imbalances and society always wants to give power to the dominant gender. In a heterosexual relationship, the man would be given power because they are expected to provide and protect.
The conversation becomes different in lesbian relationships as they are both women. This is why they look for the man, so they know who to give power to fulfil their so-called gender roles. Seems like when it is two women, it gets confusing. To understand why this question is even there in the first place, we must understand that gender roles evade relationships that they even impose on same sex relationships. This problem does not stop with the society but penetrates the queer community itself. This might be why some feminine presenting lesbians may want their masculine presenting partners to be providers and protectors like men. It may also be why studs do not want to talk about pads and periods because it is not manly. Nevertheless, the need for a man in lesbian relationships has cut through the community that it leaves relationships shattered and identities crippled as the very essence of lesbian relationships is expunged by this notion. Looking for a man in a lesbian relationship is problematic and inherently noxious.
The problematic nature of this act is that it strips away the identity of women who love other women and places them next to men as the idea is that they are trying to be men. This is toxic as it spreads the narrative that lesbians are wanna-be men who are envious of men and act like men because they want to be men. On the contrary, lesbians are women who love other women, as I have already expressed. At a point where lesbians are characterised as wanna-be men, we pose harm to the identities of the women involved in lesbian relationships and any other queer woman who is masculine presenting. This is why there is a need for healthy dialogues on relationships that do not conform to the ideal picture of relationships Batswana have. Furthermore, this narrative feeds sick ideas such as corrective rape.
The idea that two women cannot be in a relationship with each other has led to the lesbian community being at risk as there are men who believe that lesbians need to feel a man’s genitalia to come correct. Such sick ideas are cemented by questions such as “who is the man in the relationship?” This question may be harmless at times, but it normalizes poking into lesbian relationships to the extent of being entitled to the dynamics of the relationship. It is imperative to note that lesbian relationships are more nuanced than what Batswana perceive them to be. Batswana must take heed of the reality that lesbian relationships are also wired by mutual love, respect and feelings that make one care for the other - they do not exist to simply disrupt norms. Moreover, there is fluidity in gender expressions of lesbian partners.
This means that one partner in a lesbian relationship might express their gender in ways that do not conform to being feminine or even being masculine. For example, one might dress manly and be more leaning to traditionally male ascribed traits but that does not mean that they are being a man or fulfilling male gender roles. Moving forward, it is vital to bear in mind that relationships are all different and unique. This also applies to lesbian relationships, even though they are much unique as they do not fit gender specified ideals of what a relationship is. This does not in any way make them less of relationships or deserving less reverence. Therefore, there is a need to respect the nature of lesbian relationships and abstain from asking ridiculous questions like ‘who is the man in the relationships?’
EDITOR'S NOTE: This month marks the final journey to the end of our beloved column, 'Beyond The Rainbow,' which has journeyed with readers through years of reflection, insight, and bold commentary. Starting November, this space will welcome a fresh voice and a new column, one that continues our commitment to thought-provoking storytelling. Thank you for walking with us beyond the rainbow.