TOXIC UPBRINGING

Trauma is often an invisible monster that acts as poison in one’s body and if not noticed or properly handled it has potential to steal a huge chunk of a person’s life.

This is the observation of Evelyn Fosu-Amoah, a pastor and a Neuro Linguistic Practitioner.

Speaking to about 30 attendees at the session ‘Healing the wound, navigating childhood traumas caused by parents,’ hosted by I am Woman 2twoo Foundation in Gaborone, Fosu-Amoah explained that not dealing with trauma can lead to a depressed life.

“When one starts saying things such as 'I do not want to get married because I do not want to have children,' chances are that they have been exposed to trauma at some point because nobody can hate bearing babies for no reason.

“Perhaps that woman was abused by her guardians as a child or saw something painful about motherhood,” she said.

Some parents inflict trauma on their children; they traumatise their children on a daily basis without realising how much they are psychologically damaging their own children.

Children grow up being told that they are useless or that they will grow to become nothing and in cases of absent fathers, mothers go to the extreme of labelling children stupid just like their fathers who deserted them.

Fosu-Amoah said this is wrong and parents need to apologise to their children to free them from childhood trauma because if left unattended, there will be instances in future when the child is consumed by what they were exposed to.

When a child is told that they will amount to nothing, they develop low self-esteem and have a negative attitude towards life in general.

They will try to better themselves but whenever they face challenges, they will get angry and disappointed believing that they can never be good enough.

“It is at this point when many ask the question, 'what is wrong with me.' They get stuck in the same space and unfortunately time waits for no one, years get lost as one fights to find themselves,” Fosu-Amoah said.

There are those who fail miserably to keep relationships because they grew up in broken families where there was no love.

Children saw their parents fighting all the time, women hurling insults at men and the men beating the living daylights out of them.

Sharing their experiences, one woman said she had suicidal thoughts at age 12 because her mother seemed not to love her, she would arrive home and start shouting at her.

The mother would pick any objet nearby to hit her with it, she felt unwanted and unloved.

She did not understand why her mother hated her so much, she would do everything in her power to do all household chores thinking that the mother would be proud of her but that never happened.

The mother would arrive home around midnight and start demanding that she cook for her.

The mother always likened her to her absent father and it did not make sense why it seemed like she was being punished for her father's sins, a man she had never met.

The abuse continued to a point that the child was raped by a close family member but the mother did not support her, when all she longed for was a hug from her mother.

It never came. She felt dirty and unlovable, believing that if her own mother could hate her to such limits, then no one out there could love her.

It was only until the woman met Fosu-Amoah that she began finding herself again. She is now in a good space and does not think about ending her life anymore.

The pastor has helped her reconnect with her mother to understand better the cause of conflict between the two.

A 56-year-old man said he is living with the pain of not knowing his father. His mother who died a few years back, took the secret of his father’s identity to the grave.

He had wanted to ask his mother about his father before she died but failed. He felt bringing it up would be disrespectful to his mother. He has given up and has put the matter to rest.

But his wife does not think so. She said there are instances where the matter just crops up and it causes conflicts in her marriage. She believes the husband is not aware that the matter haunts him even as he tries to hide it.

Psychotherapist Moratiwa Habana said parents often bleed on their children without noticing because of what they went through.

A parent who is unable to love their child right might have suffered trauma at one point in their lives and neglected it. They never healed from the betrayal or pain caused them and this leads them to venting out on their children.

Their children also grow up with inherited trauma which they will pass to the next generation and the vicous cycle continues.

Habana said there are no shortcuts to dealing with trauma, if one does not deal with it head on, they will not be set free because there will always be triggers around.

Parents, she said, often make it difficult for children to express themselves through doing what makes them happy.

Emotional Intelligence trainer Mpho Montebatsi said it is important for parents to communicate with their children in different ways.

Sometimes just draw faces on a piece of paper and ask the child to pick one that resembles how they are feeling.

When they choose a smiley face, ask them why they are feeling that way or why they picked an angry or sad face. This helps to break the silence.

He also said forgiveness is key because when one chooses to forgive those who wronged them, they will be releasing themselves from the bonds of anger.

Forgiveness is not easy, especially when one has been hurt, it seems unfair but is an effective way of letting go of the past.