CHANGING TIMES
Senior marriage counsellor Albert Gaopelo says there is nothing wrong with a woman paying her own Bogadi (dowry) or loaning her husband-to-be money for wedding expenses.
Marriage is between two people and whatever they decide should be respected.
A woman he said, should not be ashamed to help her partner out of fear of what her family will say or that society will shame her.
In the past, marriage expenses were the sole responsibility of the man. This has continued into modern day, where some women or families still believe that a man should have a fat bank account if they want to get married.
Of course people will talk but marriage is an arrangement between two people, as long as the couple has reached an understanding and agreement of what they want to do, there should be no issues.
However, society brutalises such women, they are shamed and told that they married themselves, their union is not dignified; the husband is labelled weak and told that the woman will most likely wear the pants in their marriage.
But what should happen if the couple wants to get married but the man is not financially ready while the woman on the other hand, is ready and capable to finance all expenses?
Gaopelo believes as long as the couple is mature enough to understand that a woman paying her own Bogadi does not equal to her not being wife enough, then they can get married.
The problem only arises when after the wedding celebrations, the couple starts to throw the money issue at each other’s faces. This is where the marriage begins cracking. If the agreement was such that the man will pay back the money, the husband should honour that to avoid arguments.
“It is not always easy that is why there is need to sit down and discuss at length before jumping into marriage. Once the couple is married, it can now turn into focusing into other projects of building a home and forget to honour the ‘loan agreement.’
“Also, the man can turn around and ask why he should be made to pay back money for something that was for both of them. In most cases such money does not return to the owner and as long as the couple agrees to peacefully move on, then there should be no issues,” he said.
Gaopelo also said that money is the leading cause of divorce in the country, that is why he advises that before getting married, couples should sit down and discuss in detail how they will be managing their finances after marriage, especially those who marry in community of property.
He recalled how one couple came to him in 2019, the husband was earning P15 000 per month and the wife P3 000. The husband then told his wife that as the man, he will take care of all expenses in the home, she should keep her money as pocket money.
The wife was against this, arguing that they need to combine their salaries and plan together because his salary and hers were one. The man would not have it, saying she is doing the wife a favour.
Two years later, the wife found a job and was paid P17 000 per month, suddenly everything changed. The husband now wanted things to change and the wife would not have it, telling him that he should continue paying for
everything as it had been the case.
“It was a big heated issue that took months to deal with, but they eventually reconciled. So finances can break marriages,” he said.
Human rights lawyer, Uyapo Ndadi says it is now normal for some women to finance weddings and marriages. Some even get loans to do so for their Bogadi.
“The reality is that some women do go to great lengths to get married. In the end their partners, who were never ready both financially and emotionally, find it easy to walk away.
“Some do benefit from walking away because they get to share half the wealth the woman brought in cases where the woman is more financially resourced,” Ndadi said.
This is where the danger is for women, having men who are not invested in marrying them but just there to hustle out of ladies. When it all crumbles, this is the time when women are shamed and told that no serious man can allow his wife to pay their own Bogadi.
Sadly, the tainted brush is used on all men and even those with genuine intentions are chased away and made to feel less of a man by the public court.
Ndadi says prior to marriage, the couple should be transparent about capabilities in terms of the type of wedding celebration they can actually afford to prevent accruing excessive debt.
Even during the marriage, there is need to consult with one another because marriage expenses do not only end with wedding celebrations, some debts can be acquired during marriage.